


The Three Musketeers

by Jordanski (00Cee__Cee00)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bokuto is a himbo send tweet, Daisuga is a side pairing, Fluff, Friendship, M/M, Oikawa is an alien stannie, They are all such terrible wingmen, What else is new, gratuitous usage of the word y’all, kuroo is a nerd, no beta we die like men, terrible flirting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-09-08
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:34:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,674
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26214913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/00Cee__Cee00/pseuds/Jordanski
Summary: *Updates every 7 or so days!*I was deeply saddened by the fact that Bokuto and Kuroo never got to meet Oikawa from what I’ve seen in canon. Sometimes when you want something—you have to get up and do it yourself.The plot is pretty much Bokuto, Kuroo, and Oikawa go to college together—having first met in their first year when they joined the college’s volleyball team. They’ve been inseparable ever since.This year is “the year of romance” (aptly named by Kuroo) meaning that this year—the guys will finally get a date and end their dry spell. But first, they’ve got to get their breakfast from a badger.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kuroo Tetsurou & Oikawa Tooru, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 27





	1. Badger fight 1 aftermath

Warm rays of sunlight bathed the college campus in a buttery glow. The leaves of the trees that lined the pathways crisscrossing campus had turned into various shades of gold, fiery red, bright orange, and warm brown. A cool breeze rustled said leaves and also disturbed the geese that were floating on a nearby pond, sending ripples throughout the water. The buildings of the campus were made of brick and had an old, hallowed look to them. The campus looked as though it could be a stock photo used if one wanted to see a 'stereotypical New England college'. That is if it weren't for three men—one of them completely covered in violently pink glitter—bolting down one of the picturesque pathways dressed in nothing but their boxers.

The man covered in glitter—who also looked like he had just rolled out of bed—yelled back to his slower partners in crime. "Bo, Oiks! I only agreed to fight the badger who stole your guy's breakfast; I didn't agree to being the fucking bait! I thought one of you would do it!"

One of the other men—this one clad in alien boxers—chirped back, "Oh but you did agree Kuroo-chan~ Bo-chan and I have it on film and everything!" The chipper nerd paused for a moment—presumably to catch his breath—"and plus Kuroo-chan knows that I would never subject myself to anything that could potentially ruin my gorgeous locks."

"Me too!" Piped up the man with crazy owl hair and way too much energy this early in the morning who ran in between Kuroo and Oikawa. "it takes me literally hours to get these spikes bro! I can't waste that!"

Oikawa tagged on a, "You see Kuroo-chan out of the three of us—you're the only one who doesn't give a shit about their hair. It was only logical that you would be the one to attract the badger." Kuroo and Bokuto could sense the faux innocent look that Oikawa currently had plastered on his face.

Affronted, Kuroo shot back, "I do care about my fucking hair! It just doesn't care about me!"

Bokuto let out loud laughter upon hearing Kuroo's indignant remark. "Don't blame your poor hair dude!"

Oikawa was more concerned that Bokuto didn't even seem the slightest bit winded, even though they've been running from a badger for thirty minutes.

"How much longer until we get your guy's dorm?!" Kuroo yelled to his so-called friends.

Instead of answering Oikawa unhelpfully supplied an, "Aw is Tetsu-chan starting to get tired?" The tone of his voice was mocking—as currently being on a volleyball team had lead Oikawa and his other idiot friends to develop stamina.

"No Oiks, it's just that the body glue you and Bo used to get the glitter to stick is really starting to chafe," Kuroo deadpanned to Oikawa, his words interspersed with huffs as—mind you—they were running for their lives.

Bokuto let out a wince. "Shit, sorry about that bro, I'll buy you something for breakfast? To make up for the one you lost. But for your question—the dorm is just up the street." Bokuto knew this because he saw Terushima—one of his classmates—passed out (presumably after a night of partying) on the front lawn nearby.

"Oiks!" Kuroo shouted as they ran past Terushima.

"What is it?!" Oikawa hollered back.

"You gotta buy me something today too! To make up for inconveniencing me," Kuroo explained while turning back to look at Oikawa so that he could batt his lashes.

"Fine fine," Oikawa huffed.

Bokuto interrupted their sweet yet brief ten seconds of quiet to inform his bros that, "We're here y'all!" Bokuto started patting himself down to look for his key, going at it for a minute before he looked up in a panic to Oikawa.

Oikawa took that as his queue to start searching for his key to the dorm. But alas, like Bokuto, he was keyless. Kuroo didn't share a dorm with those two so he wasn't much help in getting them inside. That is until he was struck with a horrible thought.

"Oh my god you guys I think you left your keys with the badger," Kuroo said disbelievingly with a pained expression on his face.

"Not the angry breakfast badger," Oikawa groaned while his hands tousled his hair.

Bokuto just simply made a dying whale sound and dramatically sunk to his knees in front of the door.

"Ouch!" Bokuto yelped soon after he practically threw himself at the ground.

"That's what you get for forgetting that you're in boxers bro," Kuroo tutted while shaking his head. Obviously, he and Oikawa were also still in their boxers and would have to stay that way until they got their keys back.


	2. Badger fight 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit! Bokuto and Oikawa left their keys back at the badger’s stomping grounds🤬
> 
> You know what that means🤫
> 
> Kuroo gets a little bit more in character I think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this is late! I was busy shopping for back to school stuff yesterday!! Next update will be on time.
> 
> The second installment of the two part badger story arc.

Bokuto got up off the floor, his broad muscular back momentarily facing Oikawa and Kuroo before turning around to look at his bros.

"Alright y'all—here's the plan," he began with a smile that was too large to be made at **7 in the goddamn morning** , "since Kuroo still has the glitter on—he can distract the badger like last time! This'll create an opening for Oiks and I to get our keys. And then we'll make a break for it. It's simple!"

"Wow Bo, it seems like my craftiness rubbed off on you~" Oikawa chirped, which Bokuto took as him liking the plan.

Kuroo on the other hand looked like he was constipated. "What if the badger isn't there?"

"Well then it'll be a great opportunity to get noticed by the students Tetsu-chan!" Oikawa replied cheerily.

Kuroo smirked, "Yeah you know what? You're right Oiks—and tell you what? We'll go by the dorm with the cute guy on our way back!"

Apparently Oikawa had forgotten that he was wearing alien boxers, as he was too focused on the prospect of attracting people with his exposed chest. And Kuroo, being the good friend that he was, took advantage of that.

Oikawa was elated that Kuroo agreed—none the wiser to the fact that Kuroo planned to embarrass him in front of his crush. "I knew that you'd come around Tetsu-chan!"he said while clapping his hands.

Bokuto got up off the floor, his broad muscular back momentarily facing Oikawa and Kuroo before turning around to look at his bros.

"Alright y'all—here's the plan," he began with a smile that was too large to be made at 7 in the goddamn morning, "since Kuroo still has the glitter on—he can distract the badger like last time! This'll create an opening for Oiks and I to get our keys. And then we'll make a break for it. It's simple!"

"Wow Bo, it seems like my craftiness rubbed off on you~" Oikawa chirped, which Bokuto took as him liking the plan.

Kuroo on the other hand looked like he was constipated. "What if the badger isn't there?"

"Well then it'll be a great opportunity to get noticed by the students Tetsu-chan!" Oikawa replied cheerily.

Kuroo smirked, "Yeah you know what? You're right Oiks—and tell you what? We'll go by the dorm with the cute guy on our way back!"

Apparently Oikawa had forgotten that he was wearing alien boxers, as he was too focused on the prospect of attracting people with his exposed chest. And Kuroo, being the good friend that he was, took advantage of that.

Oikawa was elated that Kuroo agreed—none the wiser to the fact that Kuroo planned to embarrass him in front of his crush. "I knew that you'd come around Tetsu-chan!"he said while clapping his hands.

“Well what’re we waiting for?! Let’s go!” Bokuto butted in to put them back on task which slightly surprised Kuroo and Oikawa— as the only times when Bo didn’t partake in goofing off were during volleyball games and when he was eating. And this time the task at hand was getting keys which—last Kuroo and Oikawa checked—were not food.

Then again getting the keys would lead to the men being able to go inside and get some breakfast that wouldn’t be stolen—at least by badgers, Bokuto was another story—so the situation did involve food in a way if you really wanted to find logic in the workings of Bokuto Kotarou.

Oblivious to the confusion going through his friend’s heads, Bokuto bolted down the walkway to head back to where they had last seen the badger. Soon in tow were Kuroo and Oikawa.   
  


The trio seemed to be running faster this time, presumably because the promise of a nice hot shower and food gave them strength.

•••••••••••••••••••••  
Once again, the men arrived at the location where that dastardly badger had taken Oikawa and Bokuto’s breakfast—a park. Seeing no badger, Kuroo had thought that he and his bros could search for the keys and then go. He thought wrong—Bokuto had other plans.

“C’monnnn please bro,” Bokuto begged while making puppy eyes at his messy haired bro.

  
“B-but it’s not there!” Kuroo desperately tried to reason. He had agreed to be the distraction in the event that the badger was present during their key search. What he didn’t agree to was luring the badger out from its house so that the three grown men could fight it.

“It’s probably lurking Testu-chan. Taunting us like the bastard that it is!” Oikawa butted in dramatically.

“Yeah!” Bokuto hooted in agreement as he and Oikawa high fived.

  
“You guy have convinced me. And now—because I’m such a nice person— I will go lure out your guy's sworn nemesis,” Kuroo announced to the delight of his bros.

Kuroo walked out to one of the picnic tables scattered around the area and climbed to the top—still very much clad in such bright pink glitter that even a blind person would be able to see it. He began to jump and wave his arms like crazy—kinda like one of those friendly neighborhood crackheads that you can see at your local 7-eleven during the witching hour (it didn’t necessarily help that he was in his underwear). Oikawa and Bokuto were surprised that the rickety table could take so much abuse from a six foot tall maniac.

If it weren’t so early in the morning, Kuroo also would’ve performed a stunning rendition of WAP by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion—but alas, it wasn’t meant to be... yet.

Surprisingly, Kuroo’s stunt worked and it wasn’t before long that a badger started to lumber towards the picnic table that he was jumping on. Now, you may be thinking _’well golly gee lads, how do you know this is the right badger?’_ Well young protégé, the guys could tell that this badger was theirs because of how absolutely massive it was. Like ‘oh lawd he comin’ levels of voluptuousness. A total fat fuck—an absolute unit of a badger.

“Awwwright!” Bokuto shouted because, unlike his incredibly kind and amazing and very sexy friend Kuroo, Bokuto had no qualms about being obnoxiously loud in the morning. “Fattie’s here y’all!” He squawked.

Oikawa greatly appreciated Bokuto’s announcement, having forgotten both his glasses _and_ his contacts. He had been blindly running after his friends using Bo’s crazy hair and Kuroo’s neon glitter as his guides.

“You guys fight it, I’ll go get your keys! I see em anyway,” Kuroo piped up quickly. He did _not_ want to fight that badger again. Fattie was a total beast. Kuroo did not not—in fact—see the keys. He just wanted an excuse to get out of fighting the badger.

Oikawa and Bokuto were too distracted by the prospect of getting revenge on a fat animal to notice that Kuroo was capping about seeing their keys. Bless their determined souls.

As Kuroo snuck away to go search the area around the picnic table in all of his neon glory—Bo and Oiks set to work on taunting the animal.

“Oi! My bro and I have a bone to pick with you!” Bokuto said seriously to the badger.

Oikawa huffed, “That's right! You stole mine and Bo-chan's breakfast! Athletes— such as us—need all of the fuel and nutrients that we can get.” The badger simply stared blankly at the two idiots, wondering why he had been woken up from his food coma.

“You wanna fucking go buddy? I’m ready for round two!” Bokuto challenged the bored looking animal with his hands curling into fists.

“Yeah! Bo-chan will show no mercy to you! He’s been in and out of prison so many times—that’s where he learned to fight. What a hero,” Oikawa swooned and clutched one of Bokuto’s biceps.

“Geez Oiks, not in front of the enemy! Plus it was only two times and that was for driving a speedboat without a license,” said man with the massive biceps stage whispered.

Oikawa either didn’t seem to notice—or he didn’t seem to care, for he continued on his tirade about how Bokuto was so brave for sacrificing his face for the greater good of revenge because “there isn’t even much to your face anyway😁”

Bokuto felt slightly offended, but that joke of Oikawa calling his friends ugly was so overdone that he was easily able to shake the feeling off. The ace took a step towards the badger, who was busy staring at some bugs that were in the grass.

But before Bo could even do anything remotely cool to impress the people in the park who were on jogs—Kuroo and his Ray from Promised Neverland looking ass came bounding over with two sets of keys dangling from his fingers. His grin was triumphant as he raised his hand up so that the silver keys could glint in the light.

“I got the keys!” stated Captain Obvious, “they were sitting at the top of a slide for some reason.”

What happened after Kuroo made his statement was probably the worst case scenario—second to the keys not even being there. He had accidentally stepped on Fattie’s innocent tail—igniting an anger inside the badger. Oikawa would swear that the badger’s eyes were glowing red as it lunged towards him, intent on mauling his face. Thinking ever so quickly, Oikawa deftly shoved Bokuto in front of him and took off running back to his dorm.

“WH- Hey hey hey, you better wait up Oiks!” Bokuto called after him, narrowly missing Fattie’s claws as the badger made a swipey swipe at him.

For once it seemed like Bokuto had a sense of self preservation after all as he abandoned the fight with the badger—that he probably would lose anyway let’s be honest— to run after Oikawa. They were hungry and tired, and since Kuroo had their keys anyway; it seemed like a no brainer to just run ahead.

Sadly for Kuroo, he had to work harder to get away from the badger’s territory—having to give away Oikawa’s keys to it in order to cause a distraction. A distraction made by the distraction (Kuroo would have to use that in one of his pre game speeches). He could’ve given up Bo’s but Kuroo just didn’t feel it. Plus he wanted to watch Oikawa have to be attached to Bo at the hip just so that he could get back in his dorm. Well—at least until Oikawa got a new key made.

Kuroo checked to make sure that the badger was still occupied with the keys before he even made a move to follow his friends.   
  


Someone must have been looking out for him—looking at you Flying Spaghetti Monster—as the badger was still thoroughly engrossed in batting around the keys and the charms attached to it.

And so Kuroo, clad in his red boxers and neon pink glitter turned and ambled down the direction that he had seen his bros run.

If Oikawa got pissed at him for throwing his keys away, Kuroo wouldn’t really care. His key charms were ugly as fuck anyway.

The Three Musketeers The Badger

0 - 2 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On god that was my first thought when I saw a picture of Ray.
> 
> Also the badger gets two wins because not only did it get a big breakfast, it also got some shiny keys✨
> 
> I was really powering through a writers block so that I could get this out a day late instead of two days—so I apologize if my writing isn’t as good as it could be.
> 
> If anyone was wondering, romance related stuff will start to pick up either end of chapter three or the general vacuous mass that is the nonexistent chapter 4.
> 
> Lastly; comments, kudos, and constructive criticism are my lifeblood so I would love it if I could get feedback. Comment which relationship I should set the building blocks of first!

**Author's Note:**

> Alrighty! First chapter is done😼  
> Please comment your thoughts on my story so that I can use those to improve my writing! This is my first time writing Kuroo and Bokuto so they might not be as in character as you would like—I’m learning as I go! I’ll try my best to update this once a week but we’ll see how that goes.
> 
> Kudos are always appreciated!


End file.
